Another Opening Another Show

I really cannot stand
finding myself to be
in a constant state
of limbo

I literally feel as if
I am being
torn in half
neither fish nor fowl
neither formed nor unformed

I feel like the lumped clay
on a potter’s spinning wheel
going round and round
awaiting the creator’s
shaping hand
to turn me
into something more useful
where I can be
of some service
and less of a burden
on society
on my family
on myself

Whenever I find myself
in a state of limbo
unable to decide between
this choice or that
that decision or this
to go in this direction
or in no direction at all
to swim or walk
to walk or crawl
to speak or cry
to cry or laugh
to inhale or exhale
to shit
to piss
to fart
to get an erection
or to remain flaccid
to pay attention or
to pay no attention at all
I get totally exhausted
desperately needing to rest
yet unable to fall asleep
unable to dream
except for the
recurring nightmares
(PTSD I think they call it)

PTSD from what?

From thirty plus years as
a child welfare social worker
trying to protect
abused and neglected children
from further abuse and neglect
usually at the hands of those
who are charged with
supposedly caring for them the most
and loving them the most

From years of climbing seemingly
endless flights of tenement stairs
searching for abandoned infants
in the most dangerous of crack houses
in the most dangerous city neighborhoods
usually located in the most
dangerous of urban slums
oftentimes going to places
where even the armed and uniformed
police and firefighters feared to go

I have another
twenty five weeks
of time to serve
on my current job
before I am paroled and
I am once again able to return
to something that more or less
resembles civilian life

Perhaps then
I will no longer be
in a state of limbo

Perhaps then
all the years of stored up
anger and frustration
of rage and confusion
of fear and anxiety
of both physical and psychic pain
will finally get resolved
and I will finally
have the chance
to feel like a normal human being
once again

Only twenty five more weeks to go

I’ll be lucky
if I can make it through
another ten

jhmarkowitz
Philadelphia, Pa. 2012