Thursday, August 11, 2011

Hey Buddy This Bud’s For You

McCurran’s is a sleazy
Neighborhood bar
Located on the corner of
Benner and Castor
In the Oxford Circle
Philadelphia neighborhood
Of the lower northeast
I just happen to live
Across the street

On this particular
Hot and humid
August afternoon
As I was making
My way home from
Work today
I decided against
My better judgment
To stop in
At McCurran's
To buy a pint
Of something
Cold and frosty
To congratulate myself
For having made it
Through another
Hot and disgusting
Day of meaningless work

So I take a seat
At the bar
And ask
The bargirl
For a draft
Of Coor's
And a bag
Of pretzels
And I hand
The half awake
Half asleep
Serving wench
A twenty dollar bill

I have no idea
Who this girl is
I have never seen
Her before
Just goes to show
How often I frequent
This piss hole of a bar

Bargirl comes back
With the brew
And the bag of pretzels
(I later found out
That her name was
Deirdre not that
I really cared)
And she gives me back
Enough change for
A ten dollar bill
And then she calmly
Walks away

I look at the cash
On the bar
And I look up
At Ms. Einstein
And I ask her
For the rest of
The change that's due me

I said to her
I gave you a twenty
And you only gave me
Change for a ten

No she said
You only gave me a ten

I felt my anger flash
But I kept it under control
No I said, I gave you a twenty
No she said, you only gave me a ten

I beg to differ my dear
But I gave you a twenty
No dear she insists
You only gave me a ten

By this time
I am getting
Very angry
So I tell
Ms. couldnotcareless
To please
Check the till again
If it wouldn't
Be too much trouble
So she could
Count how many twenties
She had
Because I knew without
A shadow of a doubt
That one of those twenties
Was mine

I did she said
Without a moment's hesitation
And she insisted again that
I only gave her a ten

Hey buddy
Says one of the
Regular customers
Who was listening
To the conversation
From the start
I know the girl
And I can vouch for her
She’s honest to a fault
I just looked at him and
Repeated my mantra
Listen pal
That's as may be
But all I know is
That I gave
Lady Gaga here
A twenty dollar bill

Lady Gaga
Purses her lips
And makes this face
That implies
She is trying to hatch
A plan

I know she finally says
Come back in the morning
And if the till is over by ten
You can have your money

This suggestion
Seemed half reasonable
So I reluctantly agreed
To the plan
But just to be sure
I made her write a note
To put in the till
Explaining what had happened
So I could settle up
The next day

I cooled down enough
To finally sit down to
Finish my pretzels and beer

I finished my drink
Ate my pretzels
And gathered up my things
And then I walked out the door
Without leaving a tip

After all she had
Already stolen her tip
By ripping me off
For the ten dollars
Worth of change

Tomorrow morning
I will go back and
Check with the manager
To see if I can get my
Ten dollars change back

Depending on how
The matter turns out
I will either be vindicated
Or made even more angry still
If Ms. Flimflam gets away with
Stealing my money

Part of me
Wants to return to the bar
With a can of gasoline
And a lighted match

Another part of me
Wants to return to the bar
With a fully loaded Uzi
So I can shoot up the place
And rob the till
Preferably without having
To shoot some
Innocent bystander
Into the bargain

But then I figured
I didn't leave the waitress a tip
So that is two bucks right there
The Coors draft only cost me
Two bucks
And any other place
Would have charged
Four or five
So now I figure
I'm only out of pocket
In real dollars
Adjusted for inflation
About three bucks max

Fuck it
It ain't worth it
To burn down McCurran's
And shoot up the place
Over a measly three bucks

So whatever happens
Win, lose or draw
I will most likely
Just let the matter slide

Given all that
Just happened to me
This afternoon
Over a two dollar draft of beer
I can better understand
Why one of my neighbors
Shot and killed
Another one of my neighbors
Last winter
For the crime of shoveling snow
In the wrong direction

Either I am beginning
To lose my mind
Or I am really
Beginning to feel
Like I am becoming
A genuine
Part of this town

So the next day
After work
I stopped off
At McCurran’s
To inquire
If counting the till
Had revealed
My missing
Ten buck’s
Worth of change

Much to my
Bless her heart
Admitted that she
Had made an
Honest mistake
And she apologized
To me
For having given
Me such a hard time
The day before

Apology accepted
I said
Gladly taking the
Ten bucks
That she owed me
From her
Hot little hand
My faith in humanity
Once again renewed

Good thing I had
Refrained from
My initial desire
To burn
McCurran’s to
The ground
I would definitely
Not have gotten my
Ten bucks back
If I had

As for the barmaid
Named Deirdre
We have patched
Things up
And have agreed
To let bygones
Be bygones

And I’ve
Also agreed
That from now on
In the spirit
Of good
Neighborly relations
To stop
Referring to
Deirdre the barmaid
The red haired
Bitch from hell

Philadelphia, Pa. 2011

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