Last Roll To Oneonta

Let Justice be done
though the heavens fall!
(Anonymous Latin proverb-
Fiat justitia ruat caelum!)

If you are a red blooded
American male
in the prime of your life
(your early twenties)
and you made
the colossal mistake
of your life
in choosing to attend
an all male
liberal arts college
in upstate New York
(Hamilton College
circa 1965- 1969)
you will do desperate things
to search out
female companionship
especially
in the midst of
a ferociously snowy
and frigidly cold
Mohawk valley winter

Like sailors
too long at sea
I and several of my
TKE fraternity brothers
set out one
particularly forlorn
February weekend
on an epic journey
to the SUNY campus
at Oneonta
which was rumored
to be chock full
of the most sexy and
horniest
nursing students
this side of the
Continental divide
Like the intrepid
explorers of yore
Scott and Shackerton
Lewis and Clark
Aldrin and Armstrong
four of us
piled into
David Obermeyer’s
Volkswagen Beetle
and set off
due north
to reach
the nirvana of
female pulchritude
or to die trying!

Fueled by our
raging hormones
and desperate need
for some kind of
sexual gratification
(blue balls is a bonafide
medical condition that
can be referenced in the
Physicians Desk Reference
or at least
so my pre-med
dormitory roommate
Mickey O’Rourke
led us to believe)
we drove through harrowing
 road conditions and all kinds of
inclement weather
ignoring
freezing temperatures
(Obermeyer’s heater
was out of commission!)
hunger
pain
and
hours of
sleep deprivation
we fearlessly pushed on
encouraging each other
by recounting
 with embellishments
the already
wildly exaggerated
stories that
other schoolmates
had spun regarding the
sexual prowess and
alleged insatiable
sexual appetites
of the good
though obviously
much maligned
female vixens of
SUNY Oneonta

However
as luck would have it
just as we were
finally approaching
the outskirts of
Female Valhalla
our intrepid driver
David Obermeyer
turned around to inform
his back seat passengers
(me and fellow TKE brother
 James Randolph)
that unfortunately
due to circumstances
beyond his control
we in all likelihood
were not going to be able
to negotiate
the upcoming
sharp curve
that was just coming up
just ahead of us!

And true to his word
in what had to be
a little less than
several hair raising
split seconds!
we soon felt ourselves
becoming airborne
as the VW Bug
defied the pull of gravity
by seeming to have
miraculously
sprouted wings
lifting us skyward
as the road beneath us
took an entirely
different direction!

With the clarity of
twenty twenty hindsight
I distinctly remember
turning to Jim Randolph
and saying something
to the effect of
well at least
we are making good time!
as the flying VW
continued to gain
altitude and air speed

After what seemed to be
an eternity
the VW ultimately
slammed into the ground
(actually a drainage ditch
so that the roof of the car
was now at ground level!)
Miraculously
none of us were
actually injured
except for
the sense of acute
embarrassment
that comes with having
lost control of one’s
automobile
and failing to maintain
contact with the road
that we were endeavoring
to follow!






We sat motionless for
several minutes as
a state highway patrol car
pulled over to the
side of the road
lights flashing and
siren still wailing

The state trooper
(a solidly built
impeccably uniformed
no nonsense kind of chap)
slowly made his way
down the embankment
to the scene of the
accident

If you gentlemen
will kindly step out of
your vehicle and
be so kind as to
show me your
license and registration
I will start taking
copious notes
as I listen to you
try to explain
just what in hell
you all think that
you are doing!

Obermeyer did his best
to explain to the
skeptical trooper
the sequence of events
that led to our car
becoming airborne
at the critical
moment that the
road took that most
unfortunate right hand turn

Needless to say
the incredulous trooper
wasn’t buying
any of it
and he began
writing a slew
of tickets
beginning with
Failure to keep right!
(Not to mention
failure to remain at
ground level
while driving on
a state highway!)
(As we had accomplished
this bit of daring do
without benefit of
alcoholic beverage we
fortunately managed
to avoid
a DUI charge!)

But be that as it may
After we had managed
to have the VW
extricated from the
drainage ditch
we held a tribal gathering
of the elders
to try to decide whether to
abandon our quest for
female companionship
or whether to continue
pushing on ahead
to cove r the last few
remaining miles
to the promised land of
SUNY Oneonta!

Hells bells!
had we come this far
only to turn tail and run
at the first sign of
adversity?
Were we the fearless and
determined men of TKE
that we thought ourselves to be
or were we merely
subject rodents in some
sort of bizarre cosmic
psychological experiment?

Back inside the very
banged up yet still
road worthy Beetle
Obermeyer switched on the radio
and turned up the booming
hard rock music of the hit tune
So Glad We Made It!
(Lyrics by the Spencer Davis Group)
We took this as a sign
from Providence!
The decision had been made for us!
It was on to Oneonta!

Pucker up
you lasciviously sexy
student nurses
of SUNY Oneonta and
Fear not for
The horny blue balled
men of TKE
are on the way!

(Neither snow
nor rain
nor heat
nor gloom of night
stays these
couriers
from completion of
their appointed rounds!)
U.S. Postal Services Creed

jhmarkowitz
Philadelphia, Pa. 2012